I'm sick. Not pig flu. Don't think. Just tired with a horrible sore throat. Send soup.

So I've been reading and watching stuff. The above vid's prob the best thing I've seen in a while. I said once before, that being grateful is the key to not being broken. Sorta what she's talking about.

One other interesting thing was from Heartgirl. She sent me this from the tiny government that manages to cling to political survival in Somalia - it's their response to the swine flu.

SOMALIA: No capacity to deal with such pandemics due to the prolonged civil war and destruction of medical facilities. "We are not prepared for anything like the swine flu; we don't have the means to deal with it," Awad Abdi, adviser to the Somali Health Ministry said. God help us if it reaches here....

How sad and comical is that, all at once?

Music: is this the ceremony? I don't know, well I don't mind
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As I said, just finished reading Outliers. One very interesting point is that to be truly, truly skilled at something, you have to do something for 10,000 hours. Not cause someone makes you, but cause you wanna. 20 hours a week, say 50 weeks in a year, that's about ten years.

Started this blog for a number of reasons. Onea which is to just write every day for public consumption. Cause when you write for public consumption, your writing's gotta to be better. Least it should be (see: Twitter/Facebook).

Not saying my writing is actually good but it's the process. Been distracted from the process for the past year or so causa the theft and my business. But now maybe I'm back on track.


I'm finally out. I'm free. Took me less than the 36 months I thought it would. Broke, but free.

Deep breath. 10,000 hours. I'll be 46. OK, I'm game...

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...and I finished my thesis...

...and I has new toof.

Music: Heartgirl singing in Spanish
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Been keeping busy trying to get some some things settled, though. The thesis, paperwork, continuing education. Lotsa stuff. Personal stuff too - saw my cousins last night. We never hang out. No reason, just don't. People think I eat a lot. These guys, these guys can pound. And they're all normal looking.

Talked about our grandmother. They said, without trying to make me feel bad, that I shoulda seen her. Least said goodbye. Told them I couldn't. They said my mom sat all by her lonesome at the funeral.

Somehow, knew that without them telling me that. Guess cause I do that too, sometimes.

Told them that I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30. And I'm still waiting for my real life to begin.

Man, how silly's that?

Music: ain't gettin no younger Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you
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Onea the things we saw in DC was a section on bomb shelters. Submit that my parents could outlast yours in a nuclear disaster. No snub against your rents, rather a testament to the hoarding abilities of my, curiously small, forbears.

Know this cause I stayed over the other night and woke up hungry so poked around their pantry. That alone should give you an idea of what we're talking about; who has an actual pantry these days?

Lemme tell you who - my parents.

Let's just talk about the 100 packages of ramen there: at 536 calories each, comprised of mainly fat, white flour, and sugar, that's 53,600 calories, or enough to keep them each alive for 22 days. That's just the ramen. There's also the 10 pounds of instant oatmeal, the two 50-pound bags of rice, and the two dozen boxes of spaghetti - they don't even eat spaghetti!

They also have three, count em, three refrigerators. Three.

Some people hoard gold. Some fine art. My parents? Complex carbohydrates. God love em. Did I mention the three iceboxes?

Though y'didn't ask, ended up cooking a frozen pepperoni pizza for four and killed it myself. Before you judge, also had an orange. Don't tell Heartgirl as she's ill prepared for how I eat.

In other news, after the tease of a weekend in DC, decided to blow what little coin I've left on a vacation in some warmer latitude. First one in over a year.

Perhaps not the most fiscally sound decision, but then again, I'm down six-figures and have a belly fulla processed cheese, so the heck with it.

Let's call it a mental health break, yeah?


Music: blinked my eyes and you were in flight But I did not move, I just watched you fly away
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Y'ever see The Warriors? That old school film from the 70s where that freaky dude goes, Warriors, come out and plaaaaay.... It was actually loosely based on onea my favorite historical stories. Lemme tell it to you:

Long time ago, about 10,000 Greeks fought on the wrong side of a Persian Civil war. Mercenaries. The winning side said they'd spare their lives if their leaders got together, which they did (idiots) - course they were slaughtered.

So now, the men are leaderless and hopeless. So they just decided to die. But one mercenary, Xenophon, stepped up and said, Remember who we are. We're warriors. If we're gonna die, we're gonna die like Greek soldiers - on our feet. And our feet'll be pointing home.

So they organized and started the 2,000 mile walk home - that's like walking from Maine to Florida. In sandals. In enemy territory. Madness.

But along the way, they went from sloppy, stupid mercenaries to disciplined Greek soldiers again. Relentless and brutal, they killed anyone in their way. Cause they were gonna get home or die trying. It was all about the trying.

10,000 men started the trip, 6,000 saw home again. The 4,000 that didn't make it died with their feet pointing home.

That's why I love history so. Cause it shows us where we should be going.

Y'know, I'm not actually Chinese per se; I'm parta this ethnic group called the Guest People. "Guests" cause we had no home - like the Greeks, we always picked the losing side in a war, far from home. All our stories, all our poems, have something to do with finding home.

2006, 2007, mosta 2008...it's like I was in foreign places, doing foreign things. Feel like I ran about madly, trying to find my way back. To what? I dunno.

Also dunno what 2009's gonna be like. Or what'll happen to me or any of that. It's all just time and tide, yeah? But partly cause I'm clear outta scratch, partly cause I feel my teeth again, partly cause a boy can only drink so much red, red rum, and partly mostly causea Heartgirl/SING, I feel like I'm back on my feet. Or at least they're pointed home.

Spent way too much time the past three years on my knees. Is it: My fear is my only courage or my feet are my only carriage? Either way, it's right.


Music: Ive been up and down the highway In all kinds of foreign lands
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With thanks to perfect_circles.


( How not to be broken in two steps: )

1. Be grateful. The kinda grateful you are if someone paid your tab just cause they could. Cause, that, in essence, is what you got. You got to live in a place where you got enough time to read the random musing of a nobody like me. And water's a twist of a faucet away. Where life, most likely, has value.
2. Pay it back. You owe the aether something for your largess. Something. What that is, I dunno. As for how? Dunno that either. Sorry. I'm not that bright and get by mostly on fading looks and charm. But I suspect God's given you some gift. Start there, I guess.

Now you might think this is some sorta pinko commie, holiday post. It's not. The first step above is so you're not onea those miserable people that bitch about everything alla time. So annoying. The second step above is so you're not onea those miserable people that are happy for nothing alla time. Almost as annoying.

This isn't so you can save the world, though that'd be nice. Rather - and I know this sounds strange coming from a barely sober nobody holding a tumbler fulla rum as I write this - it's to save yourself.

Cause I read/know somea you. And I hear how angry and sad some (not all) of you are and, just cause you read me, figured I'd pay somea it back this way.

The saying goes that Wisdom is seeing things as they are. I disagree. Wisdom is the seeing things for what they can be.

Don't accept when people tell you that everything sucks. They're lying to you. Things suck, yeah, but you don't gotta accept it.

Andy Warhol once said that They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. That sounds about right.

And I'm not saying don't stuff yourself silly over the holiday, and enjoy it. I know I will. Quite the opposite; enjoy it more knowing that you're among the lucky. The blessed. Your dumb luck. Said it before, God gave me everything. The thing is that I know it. And that's why I'm not broken.

After you've had your holiday, try and make it a little less unfair. Ideally, yeah, do it cause the world's broken and you got a moral obligation to pay somea the extra you were given back. But if not for nothing else, if for no one else, do it for yourself - to make yourself a little less broken.

Cause, maybe if you do that, you can see things for what they can be.


Music: anything is possible
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Spent Friday out with Gio and WM around the UES. Not my scene.

Saturday morning, spoke with Heartgirl; that's a post for some other time. Saturday night, saw PCD. She did NOT heed my advice and was hung over so we spent a very nice quiet night in the UWS.

Not been sleeping lately so I've been reconnecting with my inner geek and rebuilding my media center machine.


HEI has Syd so I'll take some pics when I get her back.

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Just found out that my grandma's in the hospital. Was supposed to see her when that woman stole all my money.

Y'know when someone talks 'bout selling your soul, or whatnot? That irritates me. Cause you're not a body with a soul. You are a soul. You just happen to have a body.

She's no dainty grandma; she's tougher than DeNiro and smokes more than he does. But her body's betraying her and there's nuthin I can do 'bout it. She gave me my eyes.

I wanna hit something.

Music: No need to say goodbye You'll come back
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Seriously, someone somewhere really just hates me. Hates me.

Realized as I went through records that I may be the oldest person in my entire condo building.

Still, although it's served with a big slice of lemon, at least my blue sky's back.

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Heartgirl dropped me a line recently. Isn't weird how the more you don't want to think about someone, the more you do?

HEI's going through some rough times but I told her that rough times are when you find out what you're made of. Rough times cut away the fat of your life to see the muscle underneath. On a related note, while we're both attracted to each other, we're solidly in friends camp for our own reasons. Hopefully we stay in each other's Venn Diagram.

BEG is off on vacation so I don't think I'll be seeing her any time soon.

Finally, PCD and I saw each other recently. In addition to being a cake decorator, she also has an anthropology degree so we've some interesting conversations.


Music: Our hands are covered in cake But I swear we didn't have any
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Remember that deal that Sheridan wanted to know if I wanted in on? He closed it with RE Mike and it was just reported in the NY Post. I'm super happy for him but...damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.

It's the third deal that Sheridian and I didn't do together. The first, I made bank but he missed; the second we both missed. This one? $15.85 million. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.

Hate being this poor. Hate always worrying about scratch. Was about to have a pity party when I read that Ruslana Korshunova jumped outta her Manhattan building in a suicide. Stopped me cold. She was wealthy, beautiful, successful...and 20. That's a child.

What troubles would be so big at 20 that you'd swan dive off a 9th floor building when, externally, you got it all? I dunno. Hate suicide stories.

Something's always waiting round the corner. True, sometimes it's fail, but sometimes it's win. Regardless, you hope and you hope. Cause, statistically speaking, 10 outta 10 of us are gonna get our tickets punched - so why'd you ever wanna rush the matter? It'll come sooner than you know it.

Admittedly, it's hard to go from caviar and crackers to just crackers. But really, I got no complaints; don't have enough fingers to count all my blessings.

Plus, when a girlie says she wants to spend some time these days, I'm (fairly) confident she does it for the company.

I mean, she's certainly not doing it for the crackers, yeah?

800.SUICIDE / 800.784.2433

Music: and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart
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Met a girlie last week.


Didn't give her my number or ask for her's, and paid for her drink, which I never do.

There's this comedian that says that children are a man's receipt; children are the canceled check that proves that we were here.

The stuff you hear about happening in China is horrifying, isn't it? 22,000 to 50,000 dead with 169,000 injured. But it's actually even worse than that. With the PRC's One Child Policy, bloodlines and family lose everything. For those that lose their one child and they're too old to have kids again, they've no safety net to take care of them in their old age. Their history ends with them; they've no connection to the future. They've no child to love. Can't imagine how that must feel.

My father once said that he loved us all before we were born. That didn't make sense back then.

I'm getting sued (again). I'm working 12 hour days for negative returns. There's stuff I don't tell you about. But really, I got no problems. I got my life, my family, my rum, and the occasional girlie for company.

It's raining here, but in my head, there're blue skies. Told you before, yeah? God gave me everything.

Hope you have an amazing weekend.

Music: I regret every single thing I ever said, I said those things too softly
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Got some win so I bought a donut. True, it was a whole wheat donut but a donut nonetheless.

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My ex and I spoke the other day. She's moving from the NY Times to onea the other NYC papers. Just as well, it's weird opening up the Saturday paper and seeing, not just her stuff but two of the three men she saw after (and during) me.

Never blamed her for leaving me - I was a lout. Just had a problem with how she did it. Then again, thought she was made of awesome but I never showed her, so really, who's fault was it? Which brings me to a conversation I had yesterday with someone else entirely.

Question for you: Does the person you're with cut you slack or pounce on every screwup, real or imagined? In other words, is the person you're with on your side?


Don't answer. Just a random thought.

Wonder what mischief I can get myself into this weekend.


Music: My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
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My birthday's coming up. You should all chip in and buy me a defibrillator.

On a positive note, may be close to settling with the IRS. Still need to come up with some coin but nothing near the $25,674 they initially said. Wanna see it in writing before I'll believe it.

Could use some win.

Getting hit on a lot again - don't think it's so much me as because it's spring. If not for spring, I think there'd be a lot more single people in the big city.

Music: It's alright, baby's coming back (make it easy on yourself)
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Won't be posting much this week. Getting audited. I've got 24 days to come up with $25,674. I really dunno how much more pressure a man can take.

Life's...stressful.

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Friday I saw Hazel and her pretty friend, Helen. We chatted about life and love out in the wilds of Long Island. Then I drove them home. The weekend was off to a good start.

Until the letter above came in Saturday morning. Gio rang me and said we had to go out to a party in the Upper East Side. A party in UES's like a party in the wilds of Long Island. But I went anyway.

Glad I did. I met a beautiful Sexologist who refused to kiss me.


Of course, she was 23. Not a pescatarian and not from NJ, though - Philly. We called it a night at 4AM and she told me to look her up when I was in her part of the world.


Rolled out of bed a few hours later and worked non-stop. Paul and Hazel wanted to buy me brunch and Rain wanted to shoot me dough but charity and pity ain't my thing. Rum's my thing.

Stopped so I could make church on time at at 16:30; stayed until 19:45. Was walking home when I ran into lovely Jenny. Coffee and conversation? I asked. She nodded and we went to a bookstore where I told her about my life. And she told me about her's.

She said her dramas seemed small compared to mine. I shook my head. Heartache doesn't work that that way - there're no absolute values of pain. Anyway...let's actually plan to do this again instead of leaving it to chance, I said. She laughed and we left.

Hopping into my whip, I raced across the city see the woman I love most in the world. When I arrived, she beamed and gave me a huge hug.


Gave her a kiss on the cheek and went downstairs where I sat by my lonesome. Took a deep breath, bowed my head, and asked for some grace and mercy. I ate, washed and took some poison to sleep. Coulda been better but coulda been worse, I guess.

I told you, yeah? There's always more room for down.


Music: pressure pressure pressure AAAAAAAhhh...pressure pressure pressure
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Hey, for everyone that volunteered for my project, apologies I've been out of touch. Things are nuts. I'll follow up soon, gimme a bit.

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Up and out at 7AM. Worry, worry, super scurry. Finally stopped at 9PM. Hate, hate, hate. Tired. Too tired to go home so I went to see the rents. Ate lunch at 9:30PM.

Was beat but my dad said, Let's watch a little more of The War. So tired but I said, OK. It's not like I sleep.

In the middle of part three, where the Marines were at Tarawa, he asked me to pause it. He said, "Y'know why I came here? To America? Because if I was born just 10 years earlier, I would have had to kill Americans. I would've had to hurt this country I love so much. But I was lucky. I just missed all that. I wanted to go to America. I said I would be brave because I was lucky."

I don't know why but that made total sense to me. It made my day slightly less craptastic.

Midnight. Guess it's time for dinner.

Music: Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute
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A brief break from Bachelor Cooking, just to keep you on your toes. Thanx to Seemore for putting our last vid up on her cooking page; to ouijacat for sending me the above and prodigallyyours for her nice words - I was feeling craptastic because I spoke to my grandmother recently.


I felt murderous but Tommy's traveling and Bryson's busy so I spent Saturday working with my coach, Koshen. I also just walked in from fencing. Y'ever just wanna break stuff?

Man, I wanna break stuff.

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Seemore reminded me that I've got a project in my head. Remember the last insomnia driven project I had? It turned out well, I thought, and now I need volunteers again. Involves drinking so drinkers and foodies welcome.

More practical than art. If you wanna help, shoot me an email: logan607 at hotmail.

Music: I don't care...As long are you're here
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Recently, I stepped into a courtroom for the first time since law school. My opposing counsel was a young woman. I remember when she walked in, I thought, She'll be the one I go against and I was right.


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Afterwards


Four more to go.

I walked in the door an hour ago. I'd kill for a stiff drink right now. Or sex. Or a good fight.

Something.

Music: mercy baby I do not know what this all means It's been awhile Since I've been stylin' in just my jacket and my jeans
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Continuing from yesterday, someone asked me if there was a lesson to be learned from what happened to me. Here's my answer:

Avoid gossip folk.


That's my advice.

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Helen Keller said that Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.

She was on the money. Oh, speaking of Helen Keller, click here for a short video I made a while ago.

Anyway - I woke up mad early and hopped to court again. I got what I wanted but that's a story for another time. I couldn't celebrate because I had to run to the office and land a client. Then I got a shut-off notice from ConEd and the contractor for my new office wants another $6,000. It's always something.

The thing is, you gotta keep bobbing 'n weaving. My dad told me recently, there's really only one end, everything else is an opportunity. I hope he's right.

I ran out the door at five today to make a massive holiday party with some killer food. There I met a pretty blue-eyed dancer whom I feel now I should've asked for her number but instead, I gave her mine.

Afterwards, I had coffee with two recent college grads and a girl in college at a diner on 34th near where I met BJE. Old ghosts. I told them to save 10% of everything they ever made, learn a foreign language, meet as many people as they could, and see the world.

I wish someone told me that last one when I was in college.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I do (now).

Music: I will show you someone that you never thought you'd be
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I gotta make payroll & rent Monday so I'll post on Tuesday. Clearly, the most logical thing would be to rob a bank.

So I'll be busy...plotting...

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If your life was a TV show, what would it be it's theme song? I got a few. But if I had to chose just one, it would be Overkill.

Like I said, the insomnia's back; I don't actually mind being alone between the sheets. I do mind the lying there awake though.

So I get up and go for a walk. I've lived here my whole life and the last several women I've seen have been from around the way. I've run into a few of them over the past several months. I got memories on every corner.

In other words, on every corner, ghosts appear and fade away.

At least there're pretty lights.

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Music: at night I worry over situations
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