Heartgirl asked me recently if I watched The Pickup Artist, implying that that's where I learned to be the boy I am. But we both know that I made a fool of myself long before that show came out.

Tina Fey's all over the place these days causea Sarah Palin but she cut her teeth in improv. In the vid, she takes one idea and ends on a completely different point entirely. It's fascinating cause you can see how her mind snaps associations together. Rain's like that too in real life (don't send him an email). It's called a Monologue in improv. It's a crucial life skill to be mentally quick on your feet.

Have to say that improv was a one of two major components of being good out and about; the other was a line from Brian Tracy and quoted in The Game: Don't be yourself, be your best self.

Contrary to what most people think, the key to connecting with people isn't to be fake, but very much the opposite: to be as really you as possible - assuming, of course, that the real you's not a douchebag.

Cause you never stumble for words with your friends - you just say what you think. The guys that screw up out and about are the guys that hide who and what they really are:


Painful right? It was a real conversation. So was this one immediately afterward:


In a related note, Heartgirl's sister thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Heartgirl says it's cause I talk so much with my hands, use words like "lovely," don't play sports and am unabashedly nerdy. But it's who I am.

It's a suckers game to pretend to be someone you're not. Y'can never keep it up. If you watch the vid, here's the thing - everything she's saying is true. It's that honesty that makes it so entertaining, funny and compelling.

----------

The Game is recommended reading:

• for guys, mainly cause you gotta think, if this dweeby, skinny, bald dude can ask anyone out...
• for girls, mainly cause you should know what's out there.

Music: What I am is what I am, are you what you are or what?
YASYCTAI: Chat up a stranger (safely) for 10 minutes. (10 mins/3 pts)
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Music: People stop and stare. They don't bother me
YASYCTAI: Read about Stanislav Petrov and thank him for doing the difficult but right thing. It's hard doing the difficult but right thing. (3 mins/1 pt)
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Juliet tells Romeo that Capulet is just a name, just a word. She loves a man named Montague but the name is irrelevant to her. He could just as well be named Smith or McCarthy for all she cares. Doesn't change who he is.

Courtesy is all about the polite lie. You don't really think God will bless someone just because they sneeze, do you? Or that if you say Good Morning to someone, they'll actually have a good morning?

The girl in the above conversation's too polite to tell me that I'm her placeholder; her stopgap measure. I'm the guy she kills time with until she meets Mr. Right. Not ideal but I'm not one to cry into my porridge. Sides, anything's better than the lukewarm.

So I smile, nod and say, Sure - look there're worse people to spend a rainy night with than each other.

And she nods and says, OK.

So you take a breath breath. Stuff alla that doubt into that little pocket you keep for just such a night. Get dressed cause you never turn down an invitation.

And try to keep that doubt at bay. Don't think of green eyes or blues eyes. Cause you're a brick wall. Y'gotta be. And everything, for better or for worse, makes sense again. Shut the door behind you. Breathe in that fall night air and think:


Music: I just don't belong here
YASYCTAI: Memorize a line from Shakespeare. Someday, I'll give you somea my faves. (8 mins/1 pt)
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Busy weekend. New roomie moved in. Work drama My brother came to see me too; we hung out with PB, WM and Kathy for a fashion designer's party. Met a blondie that went to the same grade school as me and lives around the way. I asked her to tell me a secret and she told me a sad one.

Sunday, spoke to HEI and told her that, while I didn't lose anyone very close to me in 9/11, can't leave it behind me. And I wanna. Also spoke to Heartgirl, who said she saw a lotta street beef over the weekend. In the backa my head, thought, I can understand, a little, why there's so much rage.

Speaking of Heartgirl, a conversation with her not that long ago sparked another one with someone else from my past.


Music: for a minute it lets me let it all go.
YASYCTAI: Drink more tea. It's like drinking weak vegetable soup. (3 mins/1 pt)
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Come to the conclusion that I need at least 84% more Whoo-Hoo! in my life. Got outta work at 19:30 today. No joy. Have a new client called King Happy Shrimp Rice, Ltd. Really. Just came in from fencing. Think I tore my ACL. Also, no joy.

That aside, I've been averaging about 18% Whoo-Hoo!, M-Thr, about 60% on Fridays, 90% on Saturdays and 60% on Sundays.

And even my Saturday Whoo-Hoo! is never consistent. Well, it is - just never in a good way:


*YASYCTAI: Donate those clothes y'said you would. Reward yourself with a nice beverage. (90 mins/2 pts)
* Your Assignment, Should You Choose To Accept It

Music: Oh, yeah. It`s business time. It`s business time.
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Onea my favorite quotes is So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. My pastor just spoke of it. Said the word earnestness in that passage comes from is the Greek word zēlos, from which we get zealous. Funny, right? Earnestness and zeal are related. In other words, honesty and passion are related.

I submit that we love sports causea that passion. Champions fight with every fiber in their body for what they want. Step into a ring distracted and you get your block knocked off. And I'm no longer distracted. I know if I'm the button, needle or thread again. It's such a relief.

Y'know, Heartgirl once said we'd never get along cause I'm dispassionate about certain people and things. But, I'm only dispassionate when faced with the lukewarm. If you look at the quote, lukewarm is nauseating - even to God.

I'm tired of feeling lukewarm about everything. I wanna be hot or cold again.

And y'meet so much lukewarm in the big city. The random boring conversations in the random blue nights. Whaddya do? Whodoyaknow? Blah, blah, blah. Man, just keep your lukewarm to yourself. Gimme some hated or love. Some passion, some zeal. Something. Hate me? Then wind up and swing. Want me? Then throw me down. Don't talk me to death.

Fall's around the corner and I feel my teeth again. I'm excited. Maybe there is a SING or a girl on the east side missing a heart. Might happen. Give it to me. Gimme some honesty and heat.

Knuckle up and swing like y'mean it. C'mon...hit me already.

Music: love me or hate me, it's still an obsession
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Stayed in on Friday; just tired and irritated. Saturday morning, saw PCD for brunch. We ended up cooking and I made a frittata. Since she was a pro, I was flattered that she thought it was good. Went off to class and got a beatdown. I'm quite literally COVERED with bruises (do not click if squeamish). Should take up yoga. Or at least something that doesn't involve people stabbing, slashing, kicking, choking, strangling and punching me. Yes. Yoga.

Spoke to Heartgirl afterward. She confided in me something and I was a bit touched. We're more alike than she knows.

Saturday, LisaV invites me to a house party downtown. It's a literal and figurative sweatbox. An hour in, a girl grabs me and sticks a huge bottle of tequila down my throat and, later, kisses me on the cheek - of course she's 22. Before I leave, another girl leans in and kisses me too. Huh. Must be the tequila. Close out the night with this cool blonde that boxes and threw me a nasty uppercut. Impressive.


At 2:00, walk LisaV home across the LES. Woulda been terribly romantic if she wasn't seeing someone and I wasn't...so damn distracted.



Music: Once again I found myself with my friends
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Been busy and mixed up. Insomnia. Part of it's cause I realized two years ago today, No 6 moved out. And it's like I feel so sorry for the "me of back then" cause he was so hoping to follow through with his beautiful plans. But he's not me. Dunno if that makes sense.

I've broken up with more people in the last two weeks than most people date all year. And it's heart-wrenching. I'd much rather be the dumpee than the dumper. Much.

Lemme clarify a recent post:

• Making time is when you find a way to see someone you don't really wanna see (needle - going out)
  
• Killing time is when you see someone cause you got nuthin else to do (button - taking in)
  
• Spending time is when you see someone you wanna see (thread - pulling it together)
  

Realized that I was making time and killing time with mosta them and that's not fair to them or to me. I'm many things but cruel isn't one of them. There was one, though, that notable in something she said:


The other part's cause two people that've told me that they were killing time now want to spend time. One can't screw up something that's bound to end, ergo, I can be coldly dispassionate in these matters.

But now there's a chance that someone's hoping to spend time with me that I'm hoping to spend time with - so now it matters. Now I can screw it up. Now, I can't be dispassionate.

Ergo, insomnia.

Music: I look around my life tonight and you are gone
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We watch the Olympic ceremonies on Friday and go for a walk in the park. Saturday, wrestle and get can-opened by a smiling girl. 16 tabs of ibuprofen later, I crash two parties...


...almost get into two fights, but don't (not really, anywho)...


...hurt some people...


...and go to church with LisaV, before I hit up a rooftop party with WM and Paul. Later, meet up with someone for a late night chat.

I should trust in the system. But I'm so lost. I need a sign.

Music: I never meant the things I did
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No 6 landed this book deal a while ago and I helped her edit it - she gave me a credit on the acknowledgment's page. When her book came out, I was traveling a lot so I'd stop by the local BN in town and buy up a few copies. Ended up buying 'bout 50 $!#@$ copies.

I've not been sleeping so I've been reading it. It's weird cause I never read the finished product. It's like I hear her voice and some words of mine in the pages. But it's not bad. I know how the stories all end.

Diogenes the Cynic was this whackjob that used to walk around in the daytime with a lamp looking for one honest man. Never found one. Honesty's easy when you got nuthin on the line. Y'find out who's honest and who's honeytounged when you do.

Now, even when I don't wanna hear the truth, I wanna hear it.


Man, who doesn't? With the exception of Heartgirl, I never know if I'm making time, killin time or spending time. Can't be a hypocrite, it cuts both ways. Still, never know if I'm the needle, the thread or the button til it's all over.

Speaking of Heartgirl, she's going away for a bit. I'll miss her. Interestingly, she may actually have said something nice to me recently.


Man, I wish I knew how my stories end.

Music: Walking by myself down avenues that reek of time to kill
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My friend Joanne said once that dating past your 30s is like that board game Scene It. In the first part of the game, if you get something wrong, there's no penalty. In the second part, you're penalized for each wrong answer. She said that dating up to 30 is like the first part and dating past your 30s is like the second part.

Spoke to Heartgirl recently. Like HEI, she's become what I'd consider a close friend. Well, as close a friend as I guy like me has. She thinks I'm going about this wrong, the random dating and whatnot. But I've done the serial monogamy thing for 16 years. It doesn't work for me.

Without a hint of arrogance, I believe that whomever ends up with me is a lucky girlie. Cause I'm whip-smart. Given lead time to prep and the right jeans, I'm easy on the eyes. Have fairly good manners. Can cook.

Most of all, though, I'm loyal. For that girl, I can say, I'm yours. I've gotten it outta my system. 130+ dates later, I'm good to go. I choose you.

And yeah, I'm old, weird, clumsy, nerdy, insominatic - the list goes on. No lie, whenever there's money left over for rum after a mortgage payment, it's like Christmas morning.

But I know what I bring to the table. SX once asked me what entertainment I'd provide and responded, "I am the entertainment."

One should know one's value. Cause if your cup of self worth is only half full, why would anyone else see any more than that, y'know?

In other news, the woman I love the most in the world is on a plane to bury the woman she loves most in the world.

There's no harder way to travel than with a broken heart. It takes 22 hours to get from here to there. That's a long time to spend with your thoughts. If I could take that cross from her, I would.


Music: Got no place to go but there's a girl waiting for me
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Caligirl's getting married.

For my longtime readers, she was also the girl in this entry. She's everything I'm looking for in a girlie. Yet I don't love her. Least, not in the way she wants. Dunno why that is, but that's as it is.

As a kid, I remember reading about Soma in A Brave New World and wondering why anyone would wanna forget stuff. Not a kid anymore. There's no Soma in NYC. There's no River Lethe. That part I knew. But I'm also finding that there's no SING. No girl on the east side missing a heart.

There are, however, any number of fine (and not so fine) drinking establishments in the big city where they'll serve me my favorite poison on the rocks with a big slice of orange for $14 a glass.

I know cause I went to two of them Wednesday and Thursday nights with any number of girlies, some very random, some very specific. The weekend forecast looks similar. They'll have to do.

Suspect I'm not invited to the wedding.

I'm an insomniac cause I lie awake remembering. I'm so talented at it that I even remember things that never happened, people that never existed.

Music: Why so scared of romance?
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Saturday afternoon, go to the gym and get rocked. Take 16 tabs of ibuprofen, shower and dash down to see Heartgirl for dinner on the west side. We get into a tiff because she misunderstands me - don't wanna complicate things for her; her life's complicated enough.


Walk her to her subway stop and then check my phone. 1AM. Early yet. Walk over to Maru and see old friends. It's 3AM when I stumble home.

Sunday, am supposed to see Pretty Jenny but I screw up the times. Instead see family for an early dinner around the way. Heading home, run into a waitress I know who grabs my arm and pulls me in. The triathlon just ended and she's in a good mood so she buys me a Bud.

Chit-chat before dashing off to church. The hazy heat pulls me into a hazy headspace and I daydream of conversations from the weekend before I snap back to reality. I'm ever between the lines.

Strolling home, a pretty lady sits on my stoop. She stands, smiles and waves at me. I laugh and invite her in.

Music: Too late, two choices to stay or to leave
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Everything here, I say to my friends in real life; it's why Jill thought I was giving her lines when I was just being myself.

One thing I tell people all the time is: drink rum. Seriously, do me a favor this weekend and one night do nuthin but pound rum. Mojitos, Captain n Coke, aged rum on the rocks with a slice of orange, whatever - just don't drink any other type of alcohol.

Drink one glass of water with a multivitamin fore you sleep and see how you feel the next day. No hangover. Plus, note that you'll feel "happy" versus "angry." Those same two chemicals I told you bout last time not only give you that nasty hangover but also make you an angry drunk.

The beauty of rum is when you go on a bender, it only lasts that night. The next day you're just as productive as you woulda been had you not been on a bender at all.

Rum. It's nature's perfect drink.

Another thing I say to people all the time is Proverbs 27:17, which goes Iron sharpens iron, so friends sharpen friends. The people you surround yourself with are your mirrors to the world. It's also why it's painful when people leave your Venn Diagram. You dull a little when they do.

Interestingly, that bible quote was in an article on relationships in the NY Times. The article notes that more marriages are killed by silence than by violence. It's harder than you might think. The talking.


Music: so few come and don't go
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Just walked in the door from a wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends. We're all different but ever the same. Aren't the best friends the ones where you can just pick up where you left off - even it was years ago?

----------

A building around the way caught fire. HEI stops by for brunch but we're captivated by the heat from flames. Quite something, those firemen.


Friday night, meet up with PCD.


End up walking around Columbia for a slice of Koronet Pizza and lounging on the steps to the library.


Saturday, wrestle. PCD's a little freaked out that I'm pretty much constantly covered with black and blue marks; I look like an abused child.

Saturday night, meet up with Heartgirl and some friends downtown. We end up alone, just after midnight, and chat.


I kiss her goodnight and she hops into a cab. We're supposed to meet up Saturday but she's always ditching so I don't expect to actually see her. As I turn around, I lock eyes with two pretty blonds, smile and start chatting with them.

The wedding was beautiful. I'd like a wedding like that. Suppose, I'd have to find a girlfriend first, though...

So my date on Saturday was really fun. Here's the kicker though - wasn't with Heartgirl.



She swings by and we end up watching two films and ordering in. We somehow find ourselves doing Stupid Human Tricks: I do a split and she touches the back of her head with her toes. We both end up laughing on the floor.


There's that word again: disappointment. Isn't that the worst, worst part of dating?

Heartgirl just told me why she couldn't make it. It was a very good reason, actually. But there's always a very good reason to bail, yeah? To quote HEI, everyone has their front-runners and back-burners. To add to that, sometimes you're the front-runner, sometimes you're the back-burner. Just how it shakes out.

While I think Heartgirl and I'll always be friends, there's never a really a good point to stick around, romantically, if you're someone's back-burner. Mrs. Lo didn't raise any stupid sons.

Hopeless romantic ueber-nerds, yes. Stupid, no.

Cause I believe someone'll see what you're worth; you'll be someone's front-runner someday and she'll be yours. Until then we all do just fine on our own.


Music: I'm just gonna drive
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I'm profitable for June. Only by a couplea hundred bucks. Still...tiny win is better than no win t'all.

Hope Derek's ok. If I had win to spare, I'd send him some.

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Have dinner at the Maritime Hotel on Wednesday with Heartgirl and drinks round the meatpacking district. We're supposed to go to Kanvas but it shut down. Of course.

Also seeing her Saturday, which is a big deal cause: (a) Fridays and Saturdays are for your friends and significant others and (b) she's still not over her ex. And yet...Saturday night. I'm stupid like that.

It's hard coordinating schedules - I'm always busy when they're free or vice versa. Haven't seen CakeDecorator, Blue-Eyed Girl or anyone else in a week.

Scored a Classic Room at the Borgata tomorrow but no girlie I'm seeing has made it to that, Hey, let's spend a night at a five star hotel together, level so I just gave the room away. Even though no throwing down would be involved, I highly doubt that any of the women I'm seeing'd believe me if I told them that.

Not sure I believe me, come to think of it. I'm still a dude after all. Although, it's been so long that I'm fairly certain I've forgotten how.

Slot A, Tab B - that's how it goes, right? Somethin like that.

Music: Honestly what will become of me
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Get a surprising message on Friday from someone I was dating. We opted to be friends and she calls to tell me something I really don't wanna know. So, I'm disappointed in her. Then again, she called cause she needed a friend and I wasn't the friend I shoulda been.

So, I'm disappointed in me.

Go out for the usual fun and games for Friday. Some girl keeps grabbing my butt so I bounce early. Saturday, wrestled. That's a whole entry on it's own. Then I go to my cousin's wedding. Could do without everyone asking me when I'm getting married.

Orbit around Heartgirl all weekend; more misunderstandings between us. We're supposed to meet up but something comes up so she bails. Thing is, I'm slightly glad we didn't meet up cause who she is in my head might not be who she is at all.

Then again, I'm not the man they think I am at home.


That's WM the night before. Heartgirl wanted to watch the Eurocup so I arranged it for a friend of mine to show it at her bar. Since Heartgirl didn't come, WM came and we caught the game. And talked about our many regrets.

Paul, WM and I're great at parties. Cause the people that're really great at parties are the ones that just wanna forget the awful things.


Music: I think it's gonna be a long, long time
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Evidently, Harold's taken up smoking.

Y'know, you try to bring a houseplant up right, teach them the difference between right and wrong, and still...

----------

With nods to Rianessa and Constellajen for their emails and the Pretty Cake Decorator for all this cake/dough talk. And HEI.

Have you ever wanted, say, a donut? Like really wanted a donut? And you eat everything sweet in the house but nuthin hits the spot cause, even if you ate a Fondant au Chocolat from Le Cirque, you didn't get what you really wanted?

So then you get dressed, shlepp out into the cold and feel ridiculous because you're a 35 year-old dude out in Manhattan at 3AM looking for a whole wheat donut.

And when you arrive and they hand over that whole wheat donut, it's like you found Mecca. You down that bad boy, sigh, and think, Oh yeah, I'm done. I'm good to go.

That's my answer to alla you that keep asking me what I'm looking for. Something that I know I want but can't put inna words. I'm looking for the SING - the one of the 533 that fits into that something I can't put inna words.

No sweet lie, keep hoping that the Pretty Cake Decorator, or Heartgirl, or the Blue Eyed Girl, or someone ends up being her.

And Yes, I'd give it all up, the womanizing, the late nights, the randomness, like quicksilver on crack cause that's all justa placeholder for what I know what I really want. Nuthin else'll do, you see.

Every single time, I'm hoping that I can say, Yeah, I'm done, I'm good to go.

Man, I'm hungry.

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OK, enough sappy, administrative note: I'm gonna post in the mornings more cause I'm working 9-7 like the resta the world these days. Sigh.

Man, I don't know how you all do it.

No wonder Harold's taken to smoking.



Music: She said to come claim what was mine So down I fell
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