12:43:01 AM

12:04:20 AM

I don't want to comment on all the tragedy; there's enough. So, here's four happy/stupid:

1. Instead of a birthday cake, I had a low-fat, low-carb ice cream sandwich. It was great good not so bad.
   
2. CindyE sang me Happy Birthday, in-aeternum sent me an amazing gift, in_a_silver_bag sent me a picture of soup, and so many of you guys left me comments - I can't even tell you how that made my day. Plus people remembered that I didn't think would and people forgot that I didn't think would. All good. Finally, katsmw digitaldewi, and frieseurfrau, all mentioned me in their journals. Cool.
   
3. At least 15 people left me voicemail per my request.
   
• I could use some more (especially male) for the project I'm considering. Could you give me a ring? Don't leave your name if you don't wanna.
4. I appreciate all your kind thoughts but here's my favorite greeting from the past week or so:

12:36:55 AM

8:34:33 AM

I went to yet another funeral last week. I'm going to far too many for my age. Or maybe it's just right. I don't know.

No joy.

My friend said, afterwards, "It makes you think who'll show up to your, you know, your...thing."

I wonder who will.

You know, a recent survey says that the average American has only two close friends. I've got a few because I know I need them.

I hope you have more than two - life is hard enough as it is.

Plus it would just be sad if no one showed up.

Not that...oh, you know what I mean...

9:12:29 AM
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8:41:18 PMI had a dream the other night that seemed so real.

I was in an old apartment I had and someone was washing the dishes. I came up behind her and tapped her shoulder and a face I haven't seen in a while turned around to smile at me.

"You ok?" she asked, drying her hands.
"Yeah," I said, "What are you doing here?"
"I live here," she laughed, "Why? Are you trying to tell me something?"
"You live here?"
"Yes, I live here," she said.
"Are we happy?" I asked.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" she asked, "The question is, are you happy?"
"I am."
"Then what's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said, "Not a thing. Everything is...everything is right."

Then I woke up.

And I so didn't want to wake up.

9:39:12 PM

Music: I'm so free...No black and white in the blue
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2:22:32 PM

4:27:22 PM
4:49:23 PM
Music: Somehow, I lost my way, looking to see something in your eyes
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10:40:03 PM

I've had time to digest what happened over New Year's Eve. Overall, it was great.

There were some moments I could have lived without but that's pretty much my life.

I went to my fencing class tonight and actually got clocked because I was thinking about it. Not fun.

(Well for me, anywho; the guy that hit me thought it was hilarious).

Tonight, I spoke with a girl I just met. She's potentially going through a breakup too. That makes 11 that I know of in as many weeks. It's gotta be something in the air. Or maybe relationships are just hard.

Someone once said to me that it's better to be the star of your own movie than have a cameo in someone else's.

She was totally right about that.

It's funny because Kirk's never been in a long-term relationship and wants to be in one; I've never been alone and want to try it out. But it's not easy because it's just nice to have someone to think about about in my quiet moments.

Oh, bother, bother - let's just be honest with each other.
I probably already think of you, you just don't know it, or I don't show it.
But I've tricked you, you see;
It's quiet now,
And I made you think of me.

1:14:06 AM

06:13:03 AM - UPDATE
The insomnia's back.

Music: You know that I'm falling and I don't know what to say
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11:12:30 AM

Ooooh, my aching head.

One would think that, with the sheer quantity of alcohol I ingested last night, I would have slept like death.

One would be mistaken.

I saw a ton of friends last night and it was hella fun. It was my first new year's eve as a single guy, I think ever in my adult life. Kinda weird. And as the night wore on, it got progressively weirder.

• I got slapped at least once but it was totally worth it (not (exactly) what you think)
• Almost dis-robed a very cool girl I met last night (totally by accident) - she did not look pleased but I hope to see her again anyway
  
• Got hit on by a friend (that was weird)
• Regretted not hitting on her back (that was weirder)

Alexander the Great used to burn his boats once his army landed somewhere so that they had no choice but either fight and win or die in a foreign land.

In 2006, I made my choices and burned my boats.

2007 then.

Let's go, let's go...

12:21:18 PM
Music: Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich?
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11:19:30 PM

Arthur Schopenhauer said something like: with increased intelligence comes increased capacity for pain.

I tend to agree with that.

I'm feeling some trepidation about New Year's approaching. You see, my ex's older sister was born on December 31st so we always had standing plans for New Year's.

Hell, I've always had standing plans - women seem to like mad rakes.

This year, I've no plans, really.

That bothered me a little. Just a bit. There are two people I would like to get to know better and I'm so tempted to try but I know it would just end badly because I'm such a basketcase right now. They deserve better than that.

So I never call them.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she too is going through a breakup (must be something in the water). She decided to cut him off but says it's hard. I told her about the Schopenhaer quote and she agreed that she should push through.

I'm great with the whole giving of advice.

Taking it's a whole different matter.

12:30:30 AM
Music: Ten years older and I've finally found my pride
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7:10:18 PM

Hola! For those of you that read the same Book as me, I hope you had an awesome Xmas; for those of you that do not, I hope you had a great holiday.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but I've been working on an online sitcom with hipstomp/Rain for the past several months now and it's rapidly coming to fruition.

It's pretty freaking exciting; basically he and I play the worst versions of ourselves and we're surrounded by talent, which reminds me of a story about a NYC chef - I forget which one.

He was asked if he was smarter than his father (also a chef) because he was more successful and he replied that he wasn't as smart as his father, and that's why he was more successful. His father, he said, was the smartest person in his father's restaurant. He picked out the linens, did the marketing, made the menus, etc.

The young chef said was not the smartest person in his own restaurant. He hired people far brighter than he so he could concentrate on doing what he was good at - cooking. With the talented folk we've got, we can concentrate on our strong points.

Rain's doing what he's best at: writing and directing - he's got more talent in his pinky than most people have period.

I'm doing what I'm best at: managing people & money and being absolutely abusive to Rain.

7:31:52 PM
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10:40:58 PM

I humbly submit that the poets are wrong when they say that the sweetest words are, "I love you."

The way we use it these days ("I love that place;" "I love that show;" etc) cheapens it a lot.

December 2006 has been a horrid month for several friends of mine - some suffered the worst shock one can get, others had lesser shocks that still brought them to their knees. Five days ago, I got a call from a girl I only met once who said that she found out her boyfriend cheated on her. I got the call only because I was close by but I'm ok with that.

Four days ago, I got a call from a very close friend of mine who told me his mother passed away.

The time from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day is usually the best time of year for me. The best time. It's so sad.

When my breakup happened, I called my brother, my sister and my friend Tommy.

• My brother lives 1286.44 miles away but he caught the first flight here.
• My sister is nearer and caught the next train.
• Tommy, who had just returned from four months in China that morning, arrived at my place first.

I'm surprisingly toungue-tied at times where people's hearts eat them up from the inside out. I think I'm at my best when I keep it simple and say what my brother, sister and Tommy said in one way or another:

I'm on my way.

Now I submit that those words...those words will make a grown man cry.

11:46:25 PM
Music: Baby’s got blue skies up ahead but in this I'm a rain cloud

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1:01:58 PM

I got this article from the NY Times called: Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying. Even though it's one in the morning, I'm going to answer the first five. I'll answer the rest in another post.

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

• I need to have kids. Three ideally.
• I would like to stay home and take care of the kids because:

1. I make enough money working from home to survive, nay flourish (ok, survive) for seven years in Manhattan
2. I'm constantly cooking and am willing to mash anything for them
3. I'm a big kid myself

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

• I'm a firm believer in fiscal responsibility (see 1, above).
• I rarely cab, and walk whenever possible
• While I love to cook, I do like to go out about two times a week. I'm much more local restaurant than five-star, hot-place-of-the-week.

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

• I'm messy but oddly germ-a-phobic.
• No shoes in the house.
• No dirty clothes on the bed
• We would swap chores weekly
• I can't stand dirty dishes in the sink.

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

• Clearly, I'm a bit nuts. I put my entire life on my blog that no one reads (but you - hey, thanx!)
• I'm an insomniac and have been for at least two decades. It means I get moody and irritable and may lash out (never physically but I do yell). Please ignore and take a walk or encourage me to. It'll all work out.
• I have been depressed before - actually, if you've been reading this blog, you know all this.
  

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

• Ah, look at the time! Gotta run - sorry...

2:19:23 AM
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3:02:28 PM

I woke up at 1PM today - I fell asleep at 5AM or so but I had to take something to help me fall asleep.

Yesterday was full of little but expensive annoyances:

• it was the first day of a shoot for the sitcom that totally bombed. We ended up canceling the shoot and taking the barebones crew out to eat breakfast
• I got a $100 ticket parking ticket
• I cracked the screen on my ultra-compact camera that I've had for a while - this may mean no pics for a bit

It's all those little annoyances that make you want to scream.

I think people like to read blogs because it gives insight into their own lives. 

in_aeternum , undergoing treatment for her own things, wrote that she saw an old man on crutches struggling to walk, despite it being easier to be in a wheelchair. She observed that, "We do not make ourselves worse by walking. I say walk while you can."

I say, she's right, so off I go...

4:31:08 PM
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12:32:33 AM This song came up in a class I'm taking - I couldn't believe two people never heard it before. My fav lines (which seem to resonate even now):

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made

I thought it was kismet because of my last post. Looking at the lyrics, I always thought the devil's us.

Then again, I thought my 1990 BMW would run forever and that 2006 was going to be a great year for me.

Shows what I know.

1:20:12 AM
 
Music: I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reach Bombay
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11:34:46 PM

I believe that people are bad at heart. What with historical events (like Nazi Germany, the Inquisition, the Great Leap Forward), psychological evidence (the Zimbardo and Milgram experiments), and current events (pick up a paper) I'm fairly disgusted at our species as a whole.

However, that's not entirely a negative sentiment. I think a bit of kindness is nobler against the backdrop of our craptastic-ness.

So I had four recent bits of kindness:

1. I met a girl that lives in France a while ago who shot me a sweet email. She's seeing a French guy now. It's ok, the late night conversations were enough for me.
2. I got another very personal email from a co-worker wishing me a happy holiday. It was nice to get because, while we work closely together, we've never actually met (like you and me).
3. I met a girl tonight that I found refreshingly honest about life. Honesty without meanness is so rare.
4. Finally, today, I got an Xmas card from irnbruise, amidst my usual bills. As an aside, she looks completely Caucasian but she's got a Chinese last name. It turns out that four generations ago, her grandfather was Chinese. I find that so cool.

Regarding (4) I think we're supposed to meet up for coffee (just coffee - she's in love with a boy from Indiana) but I'm reminded of a quote from Margaret Atwood:

Wanting to meet a writer because you like their books is like wanting meet a duck because you like pate.

Eh, I'll risk it.

1:32:12 AM
Music: And so and now I'm sorry I missed you
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2:34:02 AM



The insomnia begins again. Well, five days of good sleep is something.

At least I've got entertainment - my brother sent me this and I found it funny. At 2:34 in the morning, few things are.

(I'm not saying what my political slant is and it's most likely not what you think it is).

Oh man, I'm not looking forward to another two weeks of insommnia.

Dammit, I'm going to make myself a BLT...

2:41:14 AM
Music: If I could change your mind, I'd really love to break your heart
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