I haz Mac.

The little nerd is me's doing cartwheels.

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Left my ring at the wrestling mat the other day. When I first got it years ago, my mom was certain that I'd lose it within a few months.

It's the only piece of jewelry I wear on a regular basis. It's actually not the ring you see above, mine's silver and black - pretty sure that if you look at some pics, it'll be there.

It's not so much that it's my college ring but that my parent's got it for me. Back then, they never're ones for frivolous things like rings, which made it all that more important to me.

Was all panicked that someone woulda heisted it but the owner of the gym said she found it and kept it for me. Picked it up the very next day. 18 years I've had it.

Onea the few things wouldn't sell or part with for anything.

Music: been waitin' all my life, and now I found you
YASYCTAI: Clean out the junk on your harddrive. Jeez, there's a lotta junk. (hrs/1 pt)
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Still believe that A man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own. But she was too young to go, I think.

Went to church this past Sunday. It's hard to have faith in the big city.

It's hard to have faith when you're at an age where everyone's getting older, people y'know die, madmen say'n do mad things. Doesn't make any damn sense.

But there's this song that has this line that goes, Thank goodness for the good souls that make life better. So I turn to you and I say, if it wasn't for the good souls, life would not matter,


Thank God for the good souls.

YASYCTAI: Gotta start making some of those phone calls. (15 mins/1 pt)
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KG Betty called me tonight from Korea to tell me the news.


OK, I didn't say the Flavor Flav line, but I totally wanted to.

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Different conversation with a different woman.

They've actually always been mostly supportive of the truly questionable decisions my siblings and I've made in our past. Which is not to say they weren't typical in some respects, like our education, but they gave us a good amount of latitude. For that, I'm grateful.

My pastor once said that everything in our lives can be traced back to being born to the parents we were born to. That's so true - imagine your life if you were born to a Somalian farmer or a North Korean soldier.

My brother called me recently in the middle of the night. Apparently, my dad got lost. The thing is, he doesn't get lost. He just doesn't. Especially not in near home.

It's a small thing, yeah. But it bothers me greatly.



Music: You and me got so much to prove
YASYCTAI: Check in with people. (20 mins/1 pt)
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Had dinner at the Telephone Bar the other night before catching Paul for a party at the same place as this entry. Same people, same discussions, worse weather but good all around.

Spent mosta the night trying to pick up this one girlie Paul mentioned he found attractive; that is until he saw her up close and decided wasn't his type. Oh well, at least it kept me busy.

The next day I had myself brunch around the way at a joint called Nonna where I had real corned beef hash; like not from a can.

It's these little things that make my day.

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Been working on the manuscript again; this's now year seven. Should really just finish it now that I got the time.

Y'ever pick up something you wrote before and think, What the hell was I thinking when I wrote that? Literally, every single year I work on it, have that same thought.

Speaking of older stuff, my mom somehow found Bachelor Cooking, which I think is the best thing Rain and I've done together. Maybe we should dust it off again. Cept we can't stand working with each other.

In close to three years of writing On (or close) to Schedule, never mentioned why I don't curse or why I'm deliberately vague. It's cause I assume that my mom'll, or someone from RL'll find it.

It's made me a better writer, I think.

Pound-for-pound, the funniest comedian out there is Brian Regan. And he's beyond clean. And the pinnacle of television comedy, IMHO, is The Contest; which is both completely filthy and completely clean at the same time.

That's really hard.

Don't get my wrong, my manuscript's nuthin like this blog; it's pretty salty. But alla this stuff I put up online, put up knowing that online stuff's forever.

This blog coulda easily gone the way of a sleezy, douchey, caricature. Instead, went the way of a clumsy nerd who ends up looking like an idiot as much as he doesn't.

Realized also, wasn't so much offended by raunchy, filthy, foul-mouthed posts, myspace/twitter musings and blogs - was just kinda bored by it.

Started wearing white again after bout 15 years of not. Cause, being as clumsy as I am, it's near impossible to keep something clean. But, for me, it's just better that way.

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Not been sleeping again and've been hitting gym. Tend to look my best when I feel my worst. 16 tabs of ibuprofen and a protein shake for lunch can't possibly be good.

Don't it sometimes feel like you're sleepwalking through life? The rain's the only thing that reminds me I'm awake.

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Went to see my dad tonight for father's day and got into a terrible argument.

We actually get along better than most fathers and sons, but still, there's a reason why children move away.

Dunno what you think of me; I'm probably shorter, geekier, and clumsier than you think I am. Or not, dunno.

Do have my moments of eloquence - just not with my father. Something about fathers turn logical, dispassionate men into yell-ey, argumentative sons.

But, if I had the composure to think of it - and the vocabulary in Chinese to say it - woulda told him this poem by Kahil Gibran:


What I actually said was more like, Lemme live my life, ok?

Do have my moments of eloquence. But only with strangers reading me on digital ink. Just not with my father, whom I love more than most anything - even the rum - but don't wanna be.

Music: they crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin
YASYCTAI: Have y'ever written an email/letter to your dad? Not easy. Even if y'like writing, it's not easy. (hours/2 pts)
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Spent the weekend trying to clean out my cellar and not be sick. Fail on both counts.

Lived in my same apartment for over a decade. Put it this way, 10+ of the women I dated last year were 11 years old when I moved in.

Found long forgotten things: postcards, letters, tapes, cds, class notes. Goes on. Another entry, I suppose.

Managed to cut out one night to meet up with my brother, WM and Paul at a bar downtown where I ran into Sckim. Stumbled over to Heartgirl's later on that night. Then back to cleaning the cellar.

Next nights, saw them all again for dinner at John's Pizza. Best pizza in the city that you can get a in former cathedral off Times Square. Best. Then back to cleaning the cellar.

Next night, duck out to stop by Paul's. Although I had a full dinner, they had Thai leftovers that smelled great, so I inhaled those too. Afterward, went to Solas, my regular hangout. Then back to cleaning the cellar.

Didn't have time to see my mom for mother's day but did see my brother before he left. We walked past a street fair with Paul to St. Marks for some 2 Brothers Pizza, which is the best tasty pizza in the city for $1 a slice. Because it's so cheap, the stuff is amazingly fresh. Five minutes after a pie is out, it's sliced up and consumed.

We also went to Mamouns for a falafel. Then we went to BBQ Chicken for some chicken and fries. Then we went back to 2 Brother's Pizza for more pizza. All within 30 minutes.

75% of the meals my bro eats when he visits is pizza cause the pizza in Cali's not the same.

He's probably landing in LA right about now. Me? Just spilled some rum all over my desk. Suppose I should clean that up.

Then back to cleaning the cellar.


Music: breathe some life into me
YASYCTAI: Clean out the storage area. Who knows what you'll find? (days/2 pts)
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Don't wanna go out for my birthday but Paul insists. He, Hazel and WM take me out for some killer Indian food. Afterward, Paul and Hazel pick up a bottle of rum and we kill it on a balcony overlooking Broadway in the Village. Paul even picked up a cake.


Stupid friends won't even let a guy be depressed on his birthday.


Saturday, dash off to Brooklyn for something and rush home to make a wedding for a buddy I've not seen in years. The most beautiful woman in the room spies me walking in and takes my hand.


My world's a small place. Alla my guy friends are comparing their ueber expensive automatic watches. Sold mine to pay for for law school stuff. Miss my Seamaster the most.

But don't have time to be sad. Dash off to see my buddy El for her housewarming. Rain and the gang're there including Tess (who's in Kings, should it not get canceled) and Eve. We all go up to the roof, which is dark. But not in a cool way, more in a pitch black kinda way.



While there, get a call from a girl Shin I've not seen in 15 years telling me she's in town. She's a professor now. Crazy. So we meet up and soon, about eight of us are in a karaoke bar downtown where people are butchering Phil Collins.

My brother's best friend is there with her 18 year old sister who delights in the fact that I'm, quite literally, twice her age now. She puts a note in front of me that makes me laugh. But it's almost 3AM and Shin's boyfriend turns out to be a drunk douche so I bounce before I can deck him.


Yesterday, I see Heartgirl. We go out and she has a glass of wine and listens to my stories. I like her more than anything. Even rum.

Today, have dinner with the family at an all-you-can eat buffet.


Thanks for the birthday wishes, they meant a lot to me. Really. Every writer likes knowing that someone, somewhere's reading them.

Music: I'm tearing at the seams. You on the other hand
YASYCTAI: Have you called your mother? (10 mins/2 pts)
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Had my second root canal today. If you're contemplating getting one, reconsider. They are not nearly as fun as you might imagine. Visit three of nine.

Know what you never wanna hear your dentist say? Well, that's unusual. That's what y'never wanna hear your dentist say.


Actually been sleeping better, what with the quantity of drugs in my system. But when I'm not, I'm reading Outliers. Probably his best book - and I liked the other two. Y'should read it. We'll discuss when I'm not so cloudy.

Saw my mom for dinner.


Instead, had rice gruel and 10,000 year old egg. So. Painful. Least it wasn't oatmeal. To add insult to injury, evidently washing down vicodin with rum is strongly discouraged. Which means I gotta choose which pain reliever I love more.


On the plus side, I'm gonna see me some Fleetwood Mac tonight. But first I gotta prep breakfast.

Two guesses what I'm having.

Music: sings a song Sounds like she's singing oooh baby
YASYCTAI: Eat more oatmeal - (a) because why should I be only one that has to and (b) it's good for you. Keep telling yourself that. (50 mins/1 pt)
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Been keeping busy trying to get some some things settled, though. The thesis, paperwork, continuing education. Lotsa stuff. Personal stuff too - saw my cousins last night. We never hang out. No reason, just don't. People think I eat a lot. These guys, these guys can pound. And they're all normal looking.

Talked about our grandmother. They said, without trying to make me feel bad, that I shoulda seen her. Least said goodbye. Told them I couldn't. They said my mom sat all by her lonesome at the funeral.

Somehow, knew that without them telling me that. Guess cause I do that too, sometimes.

Told them that I'm closer to 40 than I am to 30. And I'm still waiting for my real life to begin.

Man, how silly's that?

Music: ain't gettin no younger Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you
YASYCTAI: See someone for dinner that you've been meaning to. (90 mins/2 pts)
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At the rents. Mom's 60-something and learning to play the piano. My older brother just picked up the drums and base - he already plays the piano and guitar. We're all geeky.

Music? Got a tin ear. But, been thinking of learning another language and/or study for the Zertifikat Deutsch exams. I should work on my Chinese but, let's be honest: (a) my Chinese sucks and (b) it'd take a long time to learn to be literate. Think I could teach myself French in about a year and I could probably pass the German exams in about six-eight months. For some reason my tongue works well in German. Chinese and French? Not so much.

But, I've still gotta finish that damn thesis and also get my manuscript published. Plus I wanna wrestle again. It's strange; sleeping better than I have in years but doing half the things.

The grass is always greener / das Gras ist immer grüner / 老婆是别人的靓; lǎo pó shì bié rén de liàng.

Yes, I had to look up the Chinese - see comment (a), supra.

Damn stupid grass.

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The cool thing about the people that you're close to is the shorthand language you've got.

My brother used to sing in a bar while in med school. One song was about this singer in a bar that loved a waitress named Rachel who wanted to move to LA. The guy didn't know what to say, so he just said, if you find me one, I'd love a picture of the California sun.

For years my bro said he'd move to LA. Always joked that if he ever did, I'd want a postcard from LA. Then one day he just up and left with two suitcases and a guitar. Spur of the moment thing. Poof.

Week or so later, got a postcard with a picture of the California sun and not much else. Didn't need much else. I remember that I sat down on my striped sofa and cleared my throat. Then I cleared a place for it on my fridge.

Somewhere through the years, lost it. Stupid roommates.

S'ok though - lookee what I got today:


Music: something always comes up something always makes her stay
YASYCTAI: Send someone a nice picture. If y'got time, send me one too. (1 mins/0.5 pts)
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Saw my parents the other day and my mom was still outta sorts. So she picked herself up a hula-hoop. Said that she hadn't used one in like 40 years. But she's proud cause she can do it like 200 times. Gotta say, I was impressed.

As I write this, she's singing What A Wonderful World in the other room. I smile cause she's getting better and shut off the TV to listen.

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Read all the comments from my last post and Sarcasticserum said that I have my own little internet cheering section. That made me laugh.

S'fair trade: I give the you spectacle of my ridiculous life and you sit and read. A comment or two couldn't hurt.

Still, what's more boring than a non-womanizing, womanizer? But, hope you stick around anyway. Cause it's always the supporting cast that really makes the show worth watching living.


You can never have enough good people. And it's worth going through all the hoops to find them.

Thanks for reading and being on my side.

Music: on the faces of people going by I see friends
YASYCTAI: Speaking of supporting cast, remember my buddy that told me about the tasteful nude photos - well he's a designer by trade, read his design blog at www.rickywong.com. (1 min/0.5 pts)
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Music: All your grief At last, at last behind you
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LJ won't let me post this vid, so click here for it.

Met up with old friends at Cafe DeVille the other night.


Bryson and I spoke the other day. Should note that his wife's beautiful and the chief resident of a local hospital.


I know it. God gave me everything. Just working through some things.

My mom called me. She said that the funeral hall couldn't fit all the people that showed up for the funeral. Turns out that grandma died of an enlarged heart. Find that strangely fitting. Shut the door to my office and quietly broke down.

Saw Heartgirl for dinner in Jersey by the pier cause she's leaving. Was beautiful out but we could see lightning over the city in the distance. Even though she doesn't speak German, I told her, Die dunklen Wolken sind bedrohlich.

I'm le tired...

Music: When will I know that I really can't go
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My friend Joanne said once that dating past your 30s is like that board game Scene It. In the first part of the game, if you get something wrong, there's no penalty. In the second part, you're penalized for each wrong answer. She said that dating up to 30 is like the first part and dating past your 30s is like the second part.

Spoke to Heartgirl recently. Like HEI, she's become what I'd consider a close friend. Well, as close a friend as I guy like me has. She thinks I'm going about this wrong, the random dating and whatnot. But I've done the serial monogamy thing for 16 years. It doesn't work for me.

Without a hint of arrogance, I believe that whomever ends up with me is a lucky girlie. Cause I'm whip-smart. Given lead time to prep and the right jeans, I'm easy on the eyes. Have fairly good manners. Can cook.

Most of all, though, I'm loyal. For that girl, I can say, I'm yours. I've gotten it outta my system. 130+ dates later, I'm good to go. I choose you.

And yeah, I'm old, weird, clumsy, nerdy, insominatic - the list goes on. No lie, whenever there's money left over for rum after a mortgage payment, it's like Christmas morning.

But I know what I bring to the table. SX once asked me what entertainment I'd provide and responded, "I am the entertainment."

One should know one's value. Cause if your cup of self worth is only half full, why would anyone else see any more than that, y'know?

In other news, the woman I love the most in the world is on a plane to bury the woman she loves most in the world.

There's no harder way to travel than with a broken heart. It takes 22 hours to get from here to there. That's a long time to spend with your thoughts. If I could take that cross from her, I would.


Music: Got no place to go but there's a girl waiting for me
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Sorry, those of you that read me know I'm pretty regular about my postings but this week's been...hard. Don't think I had one sober night this week. Heartgirl took me to a fine restaurant, PCD took me out and made me carrot cake, and BEG rang me. They're all such good people. It's funny who contacts you and who doesn't. Slept about four hours a night.

Told you before that A man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own.

I think I'm fairly quick-witted. Rain's faster on the draw but I hold my own. S'what happens when you read as much as a nerd like me. But I dunno what to say to my own mother. Isn't that a kick in the head?

Sucks when you realize a particular talent you have's only good for entertainment purposes.

The irony of this whole thing is that my mom just came back from Taiwan two days before my grandma died. Now she's gotta go back.


She doesn't know that I stopped calling her after the theft cause I didn't want her to worry. Stupid. I thought we had time. Goddamit, I thought I had time. No one told me I wouldn't have any time.

Gonna add that to my list of ten thousand regrets.

Gonna need more damn paper.

Music: you wake up in it One fine day
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Anthropologist Ernest Becker once said that Everything that man does in his symbolic world is an attempt to deny and overcome his grotesque fate.

All relationships end. And all relationships that matter end in tears. It's just the way it goes. There's nothing you adore now, that you can hold now, that you won't lose at some point down the line. Either because it goes - or you go. It's all ashes and dust and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

And it doesn't matter how you go, yeah? Someone'll wish you didn't.

Writers try and cheat the end we know is coming. It's our sad way of staying longer than we should. Because I've tricked you, you see. I've made you think of me.

My grandmother passed away. I'm heartbroken.


Please don't say, I'm sorry. Tell me something funny or interesting. Cause I gotta go home and dunno what to say to my mom.

I'm a crap writer. I've run outta words.

Music: the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day til the feeling went away
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Spent Friday out with Gio and WM around the UES. Not my scene.

Saturday morning, spoke with Heartgirl; that's a post for some other time. Saturday night, saw PCD. She did NOT heed my advice and was hung over so we spent a very nice quiet night in the UWS.

Not been sleeping lately so I've been reconnecting with my inner geek and rebuilding my media center machine.


HEI has Syd so I'll take some pics when I get her back.

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Just found out that my grandma's in the hospital. Was supposed to see her when that woman stole all my money.

Y'know when someone talks 'bout selling your soul, or whatnot? That irritates me. Cause you're not a body with a soul. You are a soul. You just happen to have a body.

She's no dainty grandma; she's tougher than DeNiro and smokes more than he does. But her body's betraying her and there's nuthin I can do 'bout it. She gave me my eyes.

I wanna hit something.

Music: No need to say goodbye You'll come back
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Met a girlie last week.


Didn't give her my number or ask for her's, and paid for her drink, which I never do.

There's this comedian that says that children are a man's receipt; children are the canceled check that proves that we were here.

The stuff you hear about happening in China is horrifying, isn't it? 22,000 to 50,000 dead with 169,000 injured. But it's actually even worse than that. With the PRC's One Child Policy, bloodlines and family lose everything. For those that lose their one child and they're too old to have kids again, they've no safety net to take care of them in their old age. Their history ends with them; they've no connection to the future. They've no child to love. Can't imagine how that must feel.

My father once said that he loved us all before we were born. That didn't make sense back then.

I'm getting sued (again). I'm working 12 hour days for negative returns. There's stuff I don't tell you about. But really, I got no problems. I got my life, my family, my rum, and the occasional girlie for company.

It's raining here, but in my head, there're blue skies. Told you before, yeah? God gave me everything.

Hope you have an amazing weekend.

Music: I regret every single thing I ever said, I said those things too softly
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