Remember that deal that Sheridan wanted to know if I wanted in on? He closed it with RE Mike and it was just reported in the NY Post. I'm super happy for him but...damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.

It's the third deal that Sheridian and I didn't do together. The first, I made bank but he missed; the second we both missed. This one? $15.85 million. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.

Hate being this poor. Hate always worrying about scratch. Was about to have a pity party when I read that Ruslana Korshunova jumped outta her Manhattan building in a suicide. Stopped me cold. She was wealthy, beautiful, successful...and 20. That's a child.

What troubles would be so big at 20 that you'd swan dive off a 9th floor building when, externally, you got it all? I dunno. Hate suicide stories.

Something's always waiting round the corner. True, sometimes it's fail, but sometimes it's win. Regardless, you hope and you hope. Cause, statistically speaking, 10 outta 10 of us are gonna get our tickets punched - so why'd you ever wanna rush the matter? It'll come sooner than you know it.

Admittedly, it's hard to go from caviar and crackers to just crackers. But really, I got no complaints; don't have enough fingers to count all my blessings.

Plus, when a girlie says she wants to spend some time these days, I'm (fairly) confident she does it for the company.

I mean, she's certainly not doing it for the crackers, yeah?

800.SUICIDE / 800.784.2433

Music: and it breaks my heart, it breaks my heart
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

Do y'know the difference between Grace and Mercy? They're two sides of the same coin.

• Grace is when you get the good things you don't deserve.
• Mercy is when you don't get the bad things you do deserve.

Been posting less these days - cause I've never been into ranty posts. I did call my brother about two days ago, though. Guess something in my voice worried him. Or maybe mom told him about my shaking. Dunno.

Today I was running around all morning, having one unpleasant meeting after another, before I finally made it to my office.


He dropped everything and took the 7AM flight outta Florida. I was in the hood, thought I'd see you, he joked. Then he looked down for a moment and asked, You ok?

Outside, my three employees were working, my partner was in her office, and I had clients waiting. I said it before, the words that'll make a grown man cry are, I'm on my way. Just showing up's even better.

But a boss weeping in his office doesn't do anyone any good. So instead, I coughed, cleared my throat, frowned and nodded. He got it.

Later that night he and his friend Kathy had dinner with my folks, laughed, and sang about two American kids growing up in this heartland on the road home.

Today I got mercy from a total stranger and grace from my earliest memory.

Yes, I said honestly, I'm ok, now.

Music: life goes on Long after the thrill of livin is gone
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

Basil King once said, Be bold - and mighty forces will come to your aid. I think this is true. Your friends, your family, yourself. It all comes together, somehow. Not perfectly, but it does.

It's been 16 months since I became single. Seven months since the car accident. Three months since the theft. And I'm still here.

I drink a little more, I drive a little less and my clothes are exactly the same. But I'm still here.

Music: I thought it out this very day. Noon upon the clock
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

The thing about relationships is that you develop shorthand. Like calling up your girl and saying, Hey, it's me.

For years my brother was torn whether or not he should go to Cali. I told him that that I knew he'd get there someday and when he did, he should listen to the song above for me.

Then one day, he up and went.

That week, I got a call from a Cali number and when I answered, it was just the song playing. And I knew he was where he needed to be.

I woke up today with it in my head. I think about it every so often cause there're so many good lines from it:

• Life is a big game so you gotta play it with a big heart, somea us gotta run a little faster cuz we gotta later start
• I'd be a fool to surrender when I know I can be a contender
• if everybody's a sinner then everybody could be a winner
• wrap up your pity and turn it to ambition

Now I know I have at least five people that read me that sound depressed. Real depression.

So I interrupt my usual tales of complete randomness to say that you should take it seriously. It's such a hateful thing because in the best case, you lose time. At the worst - well the outcome is like any other terminal disease.

The line that I particularly like from that song goes:

I'ma scuffle and struggle until I'm breathless and weak

To get to where you need to be, you gotta. And you should, until you're breathless and weak.

Then you should do it again, yeah?

Back to complete randomness tomorrow.

Music: you gotta face responsibility one day, my brother
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

A Black Swan is an unforeseen event that makes a huge historical impact. The assassination of Franz Ferdinand, 9/11, and the rise of dot coms are considered Black Swans.

But we all have our own personal Black Swans, yeah? Those events that changed everything about our lives completely unexpectedly?

No 6 moved out a year ago this week.

I recorded the above video for my brother after I got back from Baltimore and saw that she, and all her stuff, was gone (nothing risqué; trust me, totally SFW).

I used the spatula to make myself a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich. I sat in my empty living room and thought, Well, this is gonna suck. And it did. Really bad.

But it doesn't anymore. When I do think of a girl, she's not the one I think of. I never woulda believed it.

Time and tide changes everything.

Note to self: If you ever live with a chick again, do not throw out your utensils just because her's matches.

Life is good.

Music: My heart was broke, my head was sore, what a feeling
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

7:58:23 AM


8:29:16 AM
Music: You're good at makin' me feel so small And I know you
www.loganlo.com

2:12:14 AM


Richard Jeni shot and killed himself this week. The news upset me. I liked him. He was good at what he did. He made people laugh. He made me laugh. Cause: depression.

Depression is horribly, ridiculously misunderstood. I hate how it's something talked about in hushed tones, an embarrassment. No one sees cancer as an embarrassment but the end results of both, untreated, is the same. Someone ends up dead.

No body (in their right mind) refuses chemo because they worry how the family might look with a bald wife/son/father/daughter. When you catch a cold, no one thinks you're brave if you refuse medication or help.

You're just an idiot.

I read something once where they interviewed the people that jumped off bridges and survived. They pretty much universally said that, on the way down, they thought, "Oh man, I can change everything about my life...except this thing I'm doing now."

I heard on the drive home last night that Brad Delp from Boston killed himself too.

What a waste. A colossal, avoidable, waste.

Postsecret
The Overnight

3:08:22 AM
www.loganlo.com

5:29:36 PM

I had a phenomenal day on Sunday but here's the problem with being all by your lonely - I had no one to tell. It kinda takes away from the greatness of that day (in a nutshell, we started shooting our sitcom that day and it exceed all of our expectations).

Last night, I did have some drinks with a new friend (just friends, it's complicated) and she mentioned that she went through a bout of depression. I dug a bit more and she confided that it was not a simple case of the blues.

She's beyond smart, beyond attractive, beyond wealthy and beyond together but she said that she felt ugly and unaccomplished and I can't tell you how ridiculous that is.

So ridiculous, in fact, that it made me feel better about my own situation(s).

I had some recent meanness that came my way from some surprising sources, but also some recent kindness that came from equally surprising sources (such as the above and three offers to stay over from my retorical last post - clearly they have not been reading my blog closely).

It's the little throwaway lines that you never think affects people that totally do - for good or bad.

My grade school teachers got it totally wrong: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will break my heart into a million sad little pieces and keep me up all night knitting the damn thing back together.

But they may just save me someday too.

7:07:12 PM
www.loganlo.com

8:53:08 PM

I'm here right now - about 350+ miles from home. This place is so remote that there's no airport nearby so I had to drive. You do a lot of thinking driving 350+ miles.

The last few times I drove so far, I thought about No. 6 constantly. I thought of her again, of course, but I also thought about other things.

A few years ago, a friend asked me to set him up with a fiancee visa for him and his girlfriend from China. I started the paperwork.

A month or so later, I got a slim letter from him with a check; the letter read:

"We're not getting married; here's $600 for your time. Thanks!"

I didn't know what to say. I had already starting being an impoverished writer so I cashed the check (I'm not a good person), gave him a quick call, confirmed he was ok and moved on. That was four years ago.

We spoke a little while ago. He told me that he spent two, three years casually dating but, in his heart, he thought that she might come back. They spoke occasionally. He got a call from her and she said that she was coming to visit America and would like to see him for dinner.

He was excited, of course, but when they sat down, she said that she came because she heard a bit of hope in his voice the last time they spoke. It bothered her that whole time so she flew 24+ hours to give him closure.

He said it was the nicest thing anyone ever did for him. He knew where he stood - that made him free.

I think he's doing well now.

Anywho, I think about No. 6 a lot less and I think I'm almost at the point that I want to do something like that for her. The last time we spoke, I heard in her voice something like hope and I'm not looking for that right now. She's not the girl I loved and I'm def. not that guy anymore. Oh, but what do I know?

I've become bland and malicious.

I've been doing a lot of things I'm not...oh you know...

So that's where I am right now, just south of nowhere and east of limbo.

The weather's crappy.

10:14:51 PM
Music: I'ma scuffle and struggle till I'm breathless and weak
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

10:39:23 PM

I'm still feeling blue but better enough now to get to a real blog (ok Nadya, we don't have to totally move).

I'll now be at these two places:
http://logan607.livejournal.com
http://www.loganlo.com

The only good thing about insomnia is that I get things done - I did the above website mainly last week. Hopefully it'll force me to m
ore creative things since that's the reason I left the law and business in the first place.

It's been another blur of a weekend. I actually managed to sleep some last night although I don't think enough. My hands have been shaking like a crack addict on withdrawal.

Ricky had his birthday party last night and I saw him and the rest of the guys. I would have stayed longer (there was a very cool girl I was talking to when I was leaving) but I had agreed to meet Rain downtown so I left at midnight or so.

I'm glad I went, though, because I met another nice girl who's studying to be an actress and it turns out that we both go to the same church (although at different locations). I offered to give her a lift back home if she wanted to swing by my upper west side church but she had to call me, which she did this morning. She couldn't make it this Sunday but we agreed to do it next Sunday. She has a nice web page of her own for her career so it was part of what prompted me to get cracking on finishing up my page.

I would type more but my hands keep shaking. I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'm flying back upstate this week for more boring work.

11:29:34 PM
music: there must be an angel
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

4:19:13 PM
I can't believe it's Sunday already. It's been a pretty busy week.

Wednesday night I saw the film My Life…Disoriented but it's actually only a 26 minute television show that will be showing on PBS on December 26, 2006. It was actually pretty good. I remember that when I went there, I was worried because I was only one of about seven people in the audience but then it started filling up with people (although it was still only half full). It was an interesting story about two girls that move from San Fran to a small town where there are few Asians. Afterwards, there was a Q&A discussion that I felt was really helpful for the show that Rain and I are working on. Afterwards, we went to the afterparty where I met the main writer and a few of the stars, including the main girl who, despite playing a convincing high-schooler, assured me she was a lot older - it was funny because within ten minutes of talking to her, she told me that she had a steady boyfriend in Taiwan (who's Jewish but studying there). I thought that was amusing.

Kirk came by afterwards and then so did Rain. They asked me, as a dare, to ask the bartender for her number, which I did and got. Nice enough girl but not my type. I got home just after one, walking home from 58th and 1st. Interestingly, it was the same place that Alan had his Xmas party and I went with No. 6. Oddly enough, I didn't really think of her there.

On Thursday I went to the German meetup in Queens with Francis, who called me up late and asked if I wanted to grab a beer with him. I told him I was going to Queens anyway and would give him a lift back. We went to this cool beer garden in Astoria where we ate some burgers and a sausage and drank some beer. Francis wasn't really into it so we left early and I went home.

Friday I spent the entire day working. Korean-girl called me on my mobile, I think a little tipsy, and asked me when I was visiting her in Europe. I would like to travel but the timing isn’t good.

I drove into the city where I met up with Rain and Kirk again for a bar party. It was fun and I met a lot of people including another girl named Olivia. Two in three days and zero for three decades. Weird.

Last night, I met up with Rain and Kirk again. I was in Rain's neighborhood because Big Dave was in town and he, his wife and his mother were in Little Italy going to the Feast of San Gennaro. I went after going to the gym and met up with them; the crowds there were almost impossible. Afterwards, Rain and I went to Pho Bang near his house - ate way too much. Cindy called me and we all met up, along with Kirk, at a bar on 2nd Ave between 12th and 13th.

The crowd there was kinda lame - the quantity of people, the layout, the humidity and the volume of the music made it unpleasant to hang out. I did meet one nice girl but a friend of mine made it difficult to talk more with her via two move (the weird thing is, I actually just wanted him to snap out of his depression and just get used to talking to people).

Move 1
He went up to his friend and essentially said, "My friend (me) wants to meet your friend (her)." So it was essentially a non-introduction because he made it such that there were only three options and results:
a) Talk to her, reinforcing that I really wanted to meet her but was too shy to ask myself thus tanking any conversation
b) Don't talk to her, reinforcing that I was too shy to ask myself but really wanted to meet her thus tanking any conversation
c) Talk to her and we have a good conversation because she thought I was interesting or cute.

It may have ended up being "c" (purely by luck and because she’s just a nice girl) because I just rolled my eyes, sighed and talked to her.

Move 2
She invited us to go to a bar afterwards but he killed that too because he said he wanted to go – and guys have to stick together. So eye roll number two, and we’re off.

Oh well, moving on…

Ricky had called me previously so I met up with him, Kathy, Edgar, Esther and a bunch of other people at Ave A and 6th at another karaoke bar. It’s always good to see them. Such a good group of guys. Kathy had encouraged me to ask for the number of the girl that lives around me but I told her last week that I was too depressed to contact her but now I wish I took her advice. As Gio says, “What’s wrong with meeting someone for a cup of coffee?”

So true.

Bettina had called me (or vice versa - we've been playing phone tag) at 4 in the morning. I was exhaused but I'm always happy to hear from her. She's got drama of her own with her own random guy issues. I wanted to talk to her more about it but I was beat so I told her I would call her today.

Today I woke up, thought about No. 6, chatted with Hazel and then took the train to my improv class. Great time as usual.

I just took another PHQ-9 test - scored a 5. Hmm, things are looking up.

5:42:56 PM
Music: we've got stars directing our fate
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

3:36AM
So, what’s your name pretty lady? (smile, nod, ask if she gets hit on a lot, compliment her (eyes, skin, hair, etc.) ask for number, promise you’ll call, smile again, wash, lather, repeat).

“Olivia, that’s a great name. You’re the first Olivia I’ve ever met. It’s true. Really. Is that really your number? You’re pretty but you lie. I’m going to call it now. (grin – if she smiles at you, smile back. Hate self.).”

At least I’m impressing my friends, like a trick monkey.

Ah, I’ll meet you someday, just you wait. Fate will find you. I’m just working through a few things.

Just you wait.
Music: She does not walk she runs instead
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!

3:40:08 PM
It's a beautiful day today - the weather's just right. A few more days like this would be ideal but I think it's supposed to rain in the coming weekend.

I was a bit concerned that perhaps I'd go back to my depressive state but for the past four days, I've been good. Last night I slept for about six or seven hours and I think that's the best indicator that I'm over the worst of it.

Yesterday I spent most of the day at home working on some personal projects. A friend called me and told me I had to meet his friend that was moving into the City. I told him I ate and was going to gym afterwards but he said it'd be worth it for me to meet her so I agreed to skip out on my gym class.

She was very nice but she's seeing someone out in California – my friend said something to the effect of, "Come on, he's a college boyfriend. He's done for." I thought that was pretty funny. I didn’t ask her for her number because I figured I’d just run into her again in the near future and I didn’t want to interfere with her current situation. A few other friends joined us and we hung out for a bit before we split up. I found out later on that two friends, who were heading south, saw a fight happen right in front of them. You almost never see street beef any more.

I had called Ricky and Roger when I passed their respective places to see if they wanted to come out but they were both occupied. I worked my way across the island to the west side to grab the red line home.

Today I'm in Queens working on some things but I'm going to leave soon because I'm catching an indie flick in the city called "MY LIFE...DISORIENTED."

I'm still pretty disoriented so it should work out swimmingly.

4:36:17 PM
Music: if this is love it's a good thing you don't hate me
www.loganlo.com

8:42:39 PM
St. Augustine was a guy who lived a pretty sordid life until he found God. He was walking down the street one day and he ran into a prostitute he used to frequent and she called out to him, “Augustine, it is I.” To which, he replied without stopping, "Yes, but it is not I."

So I have now been single for 31 days. I woke up yesterday after seven hours of sleep and went into the bathroom and looked at myself and I saw a face I hadn’t seen in years look back me. Last night, I slept for another seven hours.

Today I went to see my doc and I took something called the PHQ-9 test, which is basically a test of depression. 30 days ago, my score was 24 out of a possible 27 meaning I was pretty baked. 15 days ago, I scored 19.

Today I scored 6.

I once wrote that I had been here before and I had. Back then, took about a month to get past the worst of it and another four months to get back the remaining bits and pieces. In between that time, I knitted myself back together again (literally and figuratively). I know from past experience that I’m most likely going to fluctuate between a 3 and a 9 over the next several months, because that’s what happened last time. But that overall feeling of sadness is gone. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that I’m not sure who I am any more. I’m not really sure I ever knew. The last time around, after I picked myself up, I was just a patchwork of pieces. Even No. 6 said I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet and maybe if I listened to her, we’d be happy right now. She once wrote that “It’s like dating two people and I never know which one will come home.” One of these two, she called a “monster” because he was always irritable, tired and moody.

It’s not so much like a split personality where you don’t know what the other you is doing, rather, it’s like when you’re intoxicated: You know what you’re doing but sometimes you don’t know why you’re doing it.

It’s easier for me to know who I am when I’m with someone because I can always blend into the other person – like Samanderic from Lord of the Flies. My college friends always joked that I have a million jobs and a million interests. But it’s not so much that – rather it’s my need to be able slip in and out of work and lives. And when I can’t slip in and out easily, like this past month, I stutter and stall.

I waited a day to write this just in case it was just gas, but no, I’m good again. I’m not great, I’m not whole, I’m still a bit busted up and dented in places, but I’m back.

I just don’t know who’s back.

I guess I’ll figure that out as I adjust to single life. I’m going to work on clarifying what I do and who I am in the next several (weeks? months? years?)

I started some projects, one of which will be a proper blog that will replace this one (yes, Nadya, you have to come with me) but I’ll continue to update here until that new blog is in place.

I’m back, but it is not me.

9:50:34 PM
Music: I'm free
www.loganlo.com
Subscribe!