logan607 ([info]logan607) wrote,
@ 2008-09-05 00:00:00
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Current location:the basement of my brain again
Current mood: pensive
Entry tags:dialogue, discussion, goodbye, venn diagrams

Aether Apologies

 

Her: Why do you always get so mad when I apologize?
Me: Cause you should only ever apologize for what you do, not who you are. You should never apologize for being what you are.

People used to believe in this thing called aether, which was an unseen gas that was supposed to envelop everything in the universe. No such thing but the literary concept of it still exists.

Heartgirl went on a date not that long ago and said the guy immediately apologized for being Indian. That irritated me so much.

I'm acutely aware of people apologizing for who they are. And when you put that out into the world, into the aether, it's hard to kill it. The moment you let out a breath of, I'm not good enough because of what I am, or I'm so XXXX, it's so very dangerous. Cause you can never be tall enough, thin enough, smart enough. And you are what you believe you are.

It's subtle isn't it? The idea that you're not worthy of your three feet of space in this world. Here's the thing, you gotta be. If you're not, the world'll roll right over you. Then again...

Her: I thought you said you weren't broken.
Me: Maybe I'm just bruised.
Her: That makes me sad.
Me: Don't be. It's why I have the rum.

PCD's...gone from this blog, per her request. But she said we'd stay in each other's Venn Diagrams. I hope that's true. Cause I could never tell if her eyes were grey or blue and would like to know.

I hear Caligirl's laughter my head - wondering for a second if she's right and I'm all just hot breath and lies. I gotta believe I'm not. Gotta.

Otherwise, I know the world'll roll right over me. So I gotta believe I'm not. I just gotta.

Music: sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one
www.loganlo.com
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[info]sroit
2008-09-05 04:20 am UTC (link)
Words of wisdom...that are, yes, sometimes so difficult to live.

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:16 pm UTC (link)
Very difficult.

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[info]seemoore
2008-09-05 04:33 am UTC (link)
Good post.

I, also, am acutely aware of apologies, especially from women. Women in particular apologize for EVERYTHING -- I get irritated and sometimes downright angry when a woman apologizes for every contact, every want, every self.

"Enough" is a tricky concept, and one that I grapple with continually. What IS thin enough? What IS smart enough? Successful enough? How do you set your own rubric? How do you push yourself without falling into the "never-enough" trap?

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:16 pm UTC (link)
I don't know. If you find out how, let me know?

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[info]veijukka
2008-09-05 05:31 am UTC (link)
I love that picture.

Thinking of a response to the hot breath and lies statement, but not sure how to word it yet.

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:17 pm UTC (link)
Thanks, I like the picture a lot too.

Did you think of a response to the statement? Tell me when you do.

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[info]veijukka
2008-09-08 03:57 pm UTC (link)
Maybe just...stop wanting to believe. Be more than hot air and lies. Not that I think you lie (though I don't really know you in life), but clearly you worry about it. Why?

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[info]aranka
2008-09-05 06:49 am UTC (link)
Hmmm. Well I definitely agree with your statement. At the same time we're all responsible for . . . you know . . . attributing value to humanity even when it apologizes for itself. (For being Indian though? Goddamn. First off I've never met an Indian I didn't like and secondly . . . what the hell?)

I don't know this Caligirl and it may be because you've kinda vilified her a little bit but . . . she appeals to me. Even if she's entirely different from what you think of her or how you describe her I get the impression to you she's the demon you signed the deal with and she bothers you, but she's just too smart to get rid of. Your very own Mephostopheles.

Actually . . . now that I think about it . . . you would make a great Faust.

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:18 pm UTC (link)
Well, my life certainly makes it all seem like a novel. Not a well written one at that.

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[info]junco513
2008-09-05 03:47 pm UTC (link)
I agree with you, you shouldn't apologize for who you are before you've even done anything.
But, don't people sometimes do certain things because of who they are? I'm not talking about what you are born as, but more what you grow into. Who we are make us do what we do, no? I'm just thinking out loud...

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:18 pm UTC (link)
I still think that I'm growing into things. It's not easy, figuring it all out.

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[info]xblank_paper
2008-09-05 06:26 pm UTC (link)
I think sometimes we apologize for who we are as a way to self-preserve.
By saying "I'm sorry for being me" we indirectly say "it's not my fault, you can't hate me for making myself this way, because I'm just a victim of circumstance."

Your post also reminded me of that old saying "we accept the love we think we deserve."

So perhaps acknowledging our weak points, and apologizing for them is also a way of being humble and saying "I don't require much love... just a little... so don't worry, you won't have to strain to please me."

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:20 pm UTC (link)
You know, I never heard that saying before but I like it. I'll use it someday.

Regarding someone being humble, that seems more than humble, it seems like its needy and no one wants that - or should be that way.

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[info]angiewavesgbye
2008-09-06 12:53 pm UTC (link)
Only ever apologize for things that can be fixed.
You should apologize because as of yet they aren't: for example,
"I'm sorry that the house is a mess"
Never apologize for things that don't need to be- like who you are.

For the record: when you write a book? I expect a signed copy.

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[info]logan607
2008-09-06 10:21 pm UTC (link)
That's a very astute observation and I think I'll use it some day.

If I ever manage to get published, you'll absolutely get one. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

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